sweetdeath | [26 | voice, Japanese | backdated to Monday]

Yeah, but still.

Just hurry up.

[Tsuzuki just smiled at that, tucking his hands into his pockets and heading out into the snow. For once, it wasn't falling, the drifts sweating little rivers onto bare patches of street. Man. He hated walking in slush even more than walking in snow. At least it was warmer!]

[The hospital wasn't far from the high school, and he walked fast, not wanting to run into anything hostile on the way. Human or otherwise, he thought with a shudder. His legs felt weak enough without having to run away from one of the Discedo monsters. And that headache just wouldn't quit. It was nearly as bad as healing from mortal wounds as a Shinigami... only, and he really appreciated the change, he didn't have to be conscious for it. He just got the aches afterwards.]

[He picked up his pace, aching legs or no, as he spotted the high school. Inside, up the stairs, and opening his own door, leaning on the wall to catch his breath - okay, maybe he should lie down for a while after this....]

Hey, Hisoka. I'm home.

[Hisoka had seen Tsuzuki's approach through the window, and had tried to prepare himself for this--it was just Tsuzuki, after all. It shouldn't make any difference that he'd died, not when he'd just come back, not when he'd--]

[I killed my partner. I killed Tsuzuki.]

[He shoved the thought violently away, shuddering, as footsteps came down the hall--presumably Tsuzuki's. For the best. It was for the best. He'd spared Tsuzuki the pain of a slow death from infection, so why did it make him feel... like this?]

[It didn't matter. It shouldn't matter. But he couldn't stop it from mattering, that he'd seen Tsuzuki die. That he'd killed him himself, unable to watch.]

[He turned when he heard Tsuzuki enter the room, trying his best to keep his face blank. Tsuzuki was panting and his face was gray in tone; Hisoka felt his heart skip a beat. That was what Tsuzuki had looked like when the sickness first started to take hold, and it couldn't... he couldn't die again, could he?]

[No. That was stupid. Hisoka clenched his jaw and commanded himself to stop thinking about it. His voice was quite and subdued, with none of the usual irritation he might've felt a week ago.]

Sit down, you idiot.

[He brushed past Tsuzuki on his way out the door, not making eye contact, returning a few seconds later with a glass of water.] Here.

[Tsuzuki stared, sitting down obediently at one of the desks and reaching out to take the glass of water. It was a relief to rest, and he let out a sigh before sipping.]

Thanks, Hisoka.

[He watched his partner, the stare settling into a slight frown as he realized Hisoka was avoiding his gaze. He looked unhappy, drawn - Tsuzuki had known it was going to be hard on Hisoka, having seen him sick, having seen him die. It had been hard enough on him seeing Hisoka ill a month ago, and he'd known Hisoka would recover as soon as his chip was removed.... But still, even knowing that, Hisoka didn't look good.]

Hey. You ought to sit down too.

...I'm fine.

[He didn't like how Tsuzuki was looking at him. He knew he probably wasn't acting normal, and Tsuzuki could be observant when he wasn't being an idiot. But he wasn't going to fake something he didn't feel. He wasn't Tsuzuki.]

[He went to stand by the window, hoping Tsuzuki wouldn't say anything.]

Hisoka...

[He trailed off, not knowing what to say. What could you do to make that better? Apologize for dying? That would just make Hisoka mad at him, and if having had to see it really bothered Hisoka that much even now... it wouldn't help to apologize. He'd expected to be punched in the shoulder and yelled at and maybe hugged if it had really been bad, but he hadn't expected this.]

[Setting the glass down decisively, he stood up and walked over to his partner, reaching out to pull Hisoka into a hug.]

[Hisoka froze, a hand coming up automatically to push Tsuzuki away.] Don't-- [He aborted the motion partway through, and ended up just pushing lightly at Tsuzuki's chest instead of the full-on shove he'd planned. He couldn't push Tsuzuki away, but he couldn't let him that close, either.]

[Because he didn't want to be close, and he didn't want to feel what Tsuzuki was feeling, and he didn't want to feel anything, damn it.]

[Hisoka did not meet Tsuzuki's eyes and tried to ignore how his shoulders were shaking slightly.]

[For a moment, Tsuzuki almost let go and stepped back, almost let Hisoka take the step back and relax. It was the shaking shoulders that made him decide against it. He knew he wasn't afraid or sad - worried about Hisoka, yes, but nothing that Hisoka would be affected by like that.]

[That meant the fear, or the grief, was Hisoka's. And Tsuzuki wasn't going to let Hisoka pull away and pack it all back inside where it would only hurt him. He knew how that went. And so he pulled his partner into a tighter hug, ignoring the indecisive push.]

[Hisoka stood stock still for a long moment, not understanding. He'd pushed Tsuzuki away, yet Tsuzuki was still there, and--he'd said he didn't remember, and Hisoka would know if he did, but... he supposed it was probably obvious. He had probably made it obvious. And now Tsuzuki was worried about him, same as usual. Damn it.]

[He lifted a hand to curl in Tsuzuki's shirt, other arm still limp against his side.]

I'm sorry. [The noise was muffled by Tsuzuki's proximity, and Hisoka almost choked on the words themselves, but they were loud enough to be heard. Even if they sounded more like a sob than anything.]

Edited 2009-08-27 06:43 (UTC)

[Tsuzuki winced at the apology. That was it, then: he should've known. Hisoka was blaming himself. It was strange, for Hisoka, who was usually so rational. It must have been bad, he thought, and refused to let go.]

It's okay. [I'm here now. It's okay. He could feel the shaking of Hisoka's shoulders, fiercer now, as though his partner were holding back a real sob with force of will alone.]

[Hisoka probably was. Tsuzuki knew him that well, at least. He tightened his hands in the fabric of Hisoka's jacket, closing his eyes and - being there. That's what Hisoka had said he needed, and it was simple enough that Tsuzuki thought even he could get it right.]

[Hisoka gripped his partner's shirt tighter, with both hands now. Tsuzuki didn't know what he was talking about. If he did...]

It's not okay! I--[Killed you, shot you, had to see you die by my hand. None of that was something he could say, not in the next hundred years. And Tsuzuki wasn't going to get it on his own. Tsuzuki deserved to know how he died, but...]

It's not okay. [He somehow managed to choke out the words again through the lump in his throat. They sounded calmer, now, even though Hisoka wasn't. That was a step in the right direction.]

Edited 2009-08-27 07:10 (UTC)

[There was something Hisoka wasn't saying. Tsuzuki stilled, startled at his partner's vehemence - it couldn't just be that he'd died. No, that would have bothered Hisoka, but his being back should make that better, shouldn't it? Even if it had hurt at the time, this was something else.]

[And he didn't know what it was. He cleared his throat, lifting a hand to the back of Hisoka's head in a light, comforting touch.]

...Why not?

[Hisoka trembled violently. He couldn't look at Tsuzuki.]

Because I shot you!

[Whatever Tsuzuki had expected, that hadn't been it.]

You -

[His mouth fell open. Hisoka had...? Why? How? Well - the gun, of course, but -]

[Hisoka just kept shaking, barely able to speak; when he did, his voice was a whisper.]

You were in pain. You--Joshua said--[No, this wasn't Joshua's fault. Joshua had been right. Hisoka couldn't place the blame on him, even if he'd wanted to.] ...I'm sorry.

Joshua? [Reflexively, feeling the shudders, Tsuzuki pulled Hisoka back into a real embrace. His grip had slackened with the shock, but that wouldn't do -]

[So... Joshua had put the idea in Hisoka's head, then, to shoot him to spare him the pain. He could almost remember - or was he just making things up? - Hisoka talking to someone, something about a cage. A gunshot. It was way too fuzzy, he decided, and gave up on the memory.]

...Then thank you. [He spoke firmly, with conviction behind the words, and a little anger. How dare Joshua do something like this? How dare he make Hisoka fire the shot? Hisoka, who'd leapt into Touda's flames rather than lose him, being the one to shoot him as he died....]

Thank you. I don't - remember much - but that was ... Well. I appreciate it. And it's not as though it's real. [He'd died already. Dying here was just a little too hard to take seriously.]

[What was... held in Tsuzuki's embrace, Hisoka could feel his emotions as if they were his own, flowing in and out in waves. And Tsuzuki was... angry? But it wasn't directed at him, it was... Joshua? Tsuzuki so rarely got angry at anyone, Muraki being the obvious exception, but... Hisoka pulled back to get a look at Tsuzuki's face, which seemed suddenly unreadable.]

...Tsuzuki.

[Tsuzuki glanced down, surprised out of his thoughts, to meet Hisoka's confused glance. He smiled reassuringly.]

...Nothing important.

Don't--it's not his fault, Tsuzuki.

[It was, indirectly, because of Joshua that he'd shot Tsuzuki. But it had been his decision from the start. Joshua hadn't pulled the trigger, and if Tsuzuki really hadn't minded being shot, then he had no reason to be angry with Joshua.]

[So Hisoka had picked up on that much of it - well, this close, it only made sense. Tsuzuki sighed.]

He shouldn't have said that. Even if it was a good idea - [He shouldn't have said that to you. Joshua might not know that much about them, but he was smart enough to pick up on some things. Seeing Hisoka's reaction should have told him not to push, shouldn't it? Hisoka wouldn't have done that without pushing.]

...He just shouldn't do that.

That's what he does. And he wasn't--[wrong. But Hisoka couldn't say that; it wasn't his decision whether or not shooting Tsuzuki had been wrong. That was up to Tsuzuki. After all, he hadn't asked for it. The decision had been Hisoka's, regardless of what Tsuzuki might've wanted.]

You were delirious. [He swallowed.] And you were in pain. [And he couldn't watch Tsuzuki die like that. And then Joshua had said it, before Hisoka had a chance to think it himself, and... well.] What he said made sense.

[Tsuzuki took a deep breath. He couldn't even remember being sick, except in dizzy flashes. It must have been bad. For a moment, he doubted, wondering whether it had been better for Hisoka to - not to have to watch for long.... But no. He still wasn't going to forgive Joshua for it. He had a few things to say to the younger man.]

[He ruffled his partner's hair, summoning up a gentle smile.]

...yeah. It probably did.

But you shouldn't have had to do that.

[Hisoka just looked at him. How could he do that? How could he not care at all that he'd died after being delirious and in pain for hours before Hisoka had pulled the trigger?]

You shouldn't have died. [He said it quietly, a simple statement of fact, because Tsuzuki was an idiot if he thought Hisoka had been the only one suffering.]

[Tsuzuki began to respond, then stopped, lost in thought. Finally, slowly, he started speaking again.]

...It doesn't seem like death here. It's just like - well, like being hurt badly enough to pass out, and waking up after it's healed.

I know it's different. But it doesn't feel different.

[...Mostly. He remembered his first death here, and there had been something different that time; something all too much like real death. Not that his memory of his real death was all that clear.]

[He shook his head, smile returning, wry.] Either way, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. It saved me a couple of days of - of sickness, and I'm back a lot faster than I would've been if you hadn't.

[voice | Japanese]

[voice | Japanese]

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